


if you return for me i'd never want for more

by toffeelemon



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Amnesia, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Canon Compliant, Episode: s03e18 The Beast Within, Heartbreak, Injury, M/M, Post-Episode: s03e18 The Beast Within, and poor alec lol, light hearted amnesia magnus, no blood i think?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-16
Updated: 2019-04-16
Packaged: 2020-01-15 04:30:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,349
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18491398
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/toffeelemon/pseuds/toffeelemon
Summary: After removing his memory, Magnus runs into an injured Shadowhunter - a young, mysterious Lightwood boy who apparently is the head of the Institute, who Magnus cannot remember for the life of him.(or, Magnus goes through with his decision to remove all traces of Alec from his memory after the break up, and ended up finding his way back anyway.)





	if you return for me i'd never want for more

**Author's Note:**

  * For [bonjourmags](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bonjourmags/gifts).



> title from fear of the water, you know exactly where does it play in the episode x

Magnus leaves the hotel suite on 5th feeling groggy and disoriented. Memory spells always have horrible side effects - not that Magnus has ever been on the receiving end of it, not until now - he does a mental check for severe brain damage, quickly running his magic through his bones, just in case. The warlock who did the job isn't that shabby at all - Magnus couldn’t remember for the life of him what was he so desperate to forget. By the time he woke up from the plush recliner, she was already gone, disappearing through a portal. Magnus hazily recalls an unfamiliar Hispanic warlock, who spoke colonial era Spanish, but insisted to travel to Magnus in New York anyway, accommodating for his inevitable confusion for when the job is done. Magnus knows that he must have a large chunk cut out of his mind, if he’s expected to, and indeed feeling so lost right now. He hopes that he has a notebook at home somewhere that would explain everything - Magnus Bane is hardly so careless to not make such plans and precautions, right.

The night just gets weirder and more confusing. Magnus initially doesn’t even think twice before pulling up a portal to his loft back in Brooklyn, but was met with some resistance, both from someone else’s wards and his own fatigue tugging on his magic. He scrunches up his eyebrows in confusion, ready to try again after throwing out a small spark into the air, just to prove that he can and the procedure hasn’t drained too much of his own magic - when Magnus annoyingly remembers that he may or may not have traded his apartment away, to Lorenzo Rey. Oh, and Lorenzo is the High Warlock now, not him. Magnus scoffs to himself as he sheepishly left the building and took a rare walk, not having a destination to get to just yet. Magnus cannot recall for the life of him why on earth would he be made redundant as High Warlock _and_ also crazily agreed to deal with Lorenzo - out of all people - with his beloved apartment. Magnus strolled down fifth distractedly, slowly and vaguely recalling him doing stupid favours for Shadowhunters over the past months - it is endlessly perplexing, but Magnus gathered that if he was so set on getting rid of whatever large fragment of his memory, he probably would be wasting his energy trying to piece the residue scraps back together.

Magnus just set foot into Central Park when he felt it. Or rather, heard it. There is the uncomfortable hum of magic in the air, that static pull that Magnus is so sensitive to every time there’s demonic energy nearby. And then he hears loud wails coming from the middle of the park, definitely inhuman screeches - although the mundanes around him seems to hardly react at all. Typical New Yorkers, Magnus thinks - or, he suspects there might be a glamoured Seelie in distress, strides turning into quick steps as he runs in the direction of the unmistakable sound of bells and trinkets waving in the air.

True to his suspicion, Magnus finds a swarm of Dehak demons in the middle of the park - luckily they are mostly unmoving and sprawled on the ground, Magnus notices before he can draw his magic up. It is unusual that the demons don’t fizzle back into their realm after being killed, but whoever put those arrows in them are seriously doing a poor job and almost missing their marks - Magnus wonders perhaps it could’ve been a Seelie instead of a Shadowhunter who slayed the demons. Any trained Shadowhunter would know how to kill cleanly. He waves a hand over the messy scene, just to get rid of the demons and the ichor for good, and finally spots the source of the distressed cries, once the bodies vanished.

A faerie boy, who couldn’t be older than twelve years old or so (this is an incredibly weird night indeed - Magnus hasn’t met a newborn Seelie since the 18th century, almost every Seelie he met are older than him, after all), is crying noisily, all whilst clinging onto an unconscious (adult) body in his arms. A Shadowhunter. Magnus jogs up to them, as he takes in the quiver strung wayward across the unconscious Shadowhunter’s back and deduces. Magnus has to help - he might not be the High Warlock anymore, but he can’t just stand by and let an injured little Seelie and strange Shadowhunter alone. He’s not even sure if the Shadowhunter is still breathing.

The teenage Seelie is properly traumatised, blabbering as he let Magnus heal his broken ankle. That explains why there was an unsupervised faerie child roaming around demons - he probably got left behind before he can jump back into the Seelie realm. The Shadowhunter though, is a harder mystery to crack. Magnus sighs in relief as he pressed a finger at the man’s neck, right in the middle of a massive deflect rune - he’s barely breathing, but alive, nonetheless. After the Seelie is healed and up on his toes again, Magnus turned his attention to the Shadowhunter fully, unwillingly sweeping generic healing magic over the length of his body. He frowns as the Shadowhunter remained unmoved with his eyes closed, breathing slightly laboured but still struggling to come to. Magnus is reluctant to heal a Shadowhunter in the first place, wasting his already sluggish magic, but he supposes he can charge the Institute later. He has no idea why isn’t there any other Shadowhunters around - Magnus hasn’t known them to go demon hunting solo, unless this unlucky one got caught on break, which is highly unlikely anyway. What kind of Shadowhunter goes on break to stroll around the entrance of the Seelie realm, with a bow and quiver no less. Magnus examines the mysterious Shadowhunter: tall, dark hair and pale skin, a man in his 20s - he distractedly wonders if it’s a Lightwood. Magnus wonders if Shadowhunter lineages are also part of the memory he removed, or does he just not care in general.

The Seelie boy informs Magnus that the rest of the Shadowhunters have gone to speak to the queen, and this one was the only one around to rescue him when he got ambushed by the pack of demons. The boy wouldn’t leave the Shadowhunter, feeling rather concerned for his knight in shining armour (ha, Magnus loves a poor Seelie joke) who is currently knocked out cold. Magnus grows more worried too, when he heals the Shadowhunter of all visible wounds and the man still showed no signs of fluttering his long eyelashes open any time soon. (So what, Magnus might think that the Shadowhunter is rather strikingly handsome, which is beyond the point right now.) Magnus sees his lips starting to turn purple with a sharp eye - it must be some sort of poison, which would explain the poorly aimed arrows. Magnus sighed in frustration - being helpful can be so difficult sometimes, he kind of hates himself for being the good Samaritan of the New York Shadow crowd - before deciding on sending a fire message to the Institute. Someone has to come collect him, right. And if the Infirmary couldn’t help, then they can call on Magnus again, this time officially, with pay.

Magnus stupidly remembers that his fire message actually needs a recipient, after snapping his fingers several times, magic less. (He swears that the memory removal has made him stupid as well as confused - Magnus can’t wait to get back to wherever home might be right now and treat himself to his healing remedies.) After struggling to come up with any names of Shadowhunters in the New York Institute - well, none that he didn’t actively hate, anyway - Magnus cleverly arrives to the idea of addressing it to the head of the Institute. With a snap of his fingers, the sheet of paper that he conjured up burns in the air.

 _Good idea, Magnus,_ he thought to himself as he fussed about the Shadowhunter some more, trying to figure out what poison (or dark magic, Heaven forbid) could’ve been the culprit; when the piece of paper he just sent to the Institute rematerialised right in front of him again, dropping into the man’s muscular chest. (Focus now, Magnus, not time to ogle strange Shadowhunter boys.)

“Huh,” Magnus mutters out dumbly, picking up the note, wondering has his magic failed him yet again, when the clues finally piece together. _This_ is the head of the New York Institute.

Magnus’ heart jumps in his chest as the Shadowhunter - the _head of the Institute_ , by the grace of Lucifer - begins to sweat and cough up some rather un-pretty poison, all whilst still writhing in his unconscious trance. Behind Magnus, the faerie boy whimpers in fear, watching past his shoulder.  A new wave of panic settles in Magnus: he can’t just let the head of the Institute die here, he can’t have that responsibility on him, the Clave would literally burn his guts out if this somehow becomes Magnus’ fault. But Magnus also just isn’t quite keen on the Shadowhunter dying on him - it doesn’t do anyone in the Shadow World good when an Institute leader gets switched out. So Magnus, thinking quick, instructs the Seelie to go and inform the man’s Shadowhunter pals, who agrees after initial reluctance to leave the Shadowhunter alone. Magnus keeps at the work, trying to banish as much of the demonic energy in the body as well as he could. This really isn’t his strong suit, he has always specialised in potions instead. 

After ten minutes of inactivity from the Seelie realm, and the Shadowhunter turning more and more pale and blue by the second, Magnus is positively losing his shit. Conveniently this is the instance when his muddled memory reminds him that he keeps a small office round the corner in Manhattan, which in hindsight should probably be Magnus’ best point of shelter after his Brooklyn apartment. Magnus decides that, _fuck it, there are lives to save,_ and is determined to abandon the other Shadowhunters who seem to not care about their leader at all, in favour of his spell books and potion ingredients, which would hopefully help him figure out what is wrong with the man. Magnus sparks up a portal, and groans as he closes it back up immediately. He can’t portal someone unconscious - Magnus really should update the technology after inventing portals literally back in the Victorian age. 

Magnus ends up running the entire stretch of fifth avenue, glamoured invisible with an unconscious Shadowhunter awkwardly carried on his back, taking the fastest route to his second apartment. Magnus is glad that he has magic _and_ regularly works out - the Shadowhunter is all muscles and a dead weight on his back. If he does ends up dying after all of Magnus’ effort he is going to be so mad.

For the first time of the night, Magnus’ patchy memory finally doesn’t fail him - thankfully, his spell books and potion making equipment indeed were waiting for him in the cramped office, although dusty and obviously mindlessly portaled here. Soon enough Magnus narrowed down the few possibilities that could have poisoned the Shadowhunter and cooked up a potion to be fed to the man sprawled on his desk.

Magnus approaches him, couldn’t help but tenderly cradle the pitiful boy’s head as he carefully tips the potion into quivering lips. The effect is instant - the colour returns to his cheeks almost immediately, and although the Shadowhunter doesn’t look like he is going to rise right away, at least he looks sufficiently alive again. Magnus sighs in relief, wiping an arm across his forehead in exhaustion, before falling into a chair at a distance, leaving the Shadowhunter to be.

Magnus wonders how would the strange man react to waking up to a warlock in an unfamiliar room (which looks unmistakably like a potion lab), slightly dreading the conflict that is definitely to come. Not to mention that he is the head of the Institute as well - although Magnus seriously doubt someone this young and sweet looking to be hostile to the man who just basically saved his life, Downworlder or not. Magnus sits across the Shadowhunter’s lying form, sipping on his magical herbal remedies (so he can finally kill the side effect headaches) and patiently waits for the Shadowhunter to regain consciousness.

Alec jumps up from his horizontal position so quickly that he gets whiplash, once he opened his eyes and made sense of the world around him. He groans painfully, curling back into himself, whilst Magnus hovers in worry, keeping a polite distance. Magnus expected to scare the young man, but this is still quite the reaction.

Alec hasn’t seen Magnus since the break up, almost a week ago, so naturally he is shocked and upset and thrown off to see him, right after sleeping off the poison that drained all his organs, no less. Alec didn’t know how to react, where even to begin to untangle all the emotions clogging his lungs right now - at the sight of the love of his life he is immediately hit with hurt, both for himself and the man he had intentionally hurt as well, and confusion as to what is the best approach to this incredibly awkward situation. Magnus has his magic back, that’s a relief that sends a little pang of warmth in Alec’s recently wrangled out heart - and apparently have healed him, after a tricky situation of Alec being drugged and ambushed by a pack of demons with no back up. Alec is almost overwhelmed at the information - he wouldn’t have been surprised if Magnus left him to die instead, to be honest. Or at least ignore him. After all Alec has done to break his heart. Alec can't help but feel slightly guilty for putting Magnus into this position - he's sure that Magnus doesn't ever want to see him again, and this will be painful for them both.

Alec peers up, after adjusting to his body aching everywhere, to meet Magnus’ sheepish gaze again - and feels a new wave of confusion and hurt puncture his gut. Whatever Alec is expecting to be on Magnus’ face - anger, maybe, hostility; or sadness and regret and maybe even heart wrenching tears that run his eyeliner down his cheek, for he wanted nothing more than to erase Alec from his life but ended up saving his ass again anyway - none of it is there. Instead, Magnus Bane is smiling at him shyly, eyes tender in concern, curious and caring and almost in a childlike hopeful wonder. Alec gasps painfully at the sight - he never thought he could see Magnus looking at him like that anymore. Like back in the beginning, before the fights and the deals from hell and the hurt and the break up - like when Magnus first fell in love with him. Alec’s mouth hangs uselessly open.

“Magnus?” he finally croaks out uselessly, not knowing what else to say. Even the name burns his tongue. Magnus Bane only blinks blankly back to him - he doesn’t know the Shadowhunter, but clearly it isn’t the case otherwise. It’s yet another gap in his memory.

“Is this it? Am I dead? Is this heaven?” Alec blabbers out stupidly, after a second of taking in his surroundings, and expecting Magnus to shift his expression to lash out at him, waiting for a blow that never comes. Magnus is still staring at him with his kind, warm eyes, in the way that makes Alec’s gut twist into knots, hurting more than all the heartbreak recently. He is still so painfully in love, and he knows that this is too good to be true.

Magnus laughs in surprise, not at all expecting this reaction from the Shadowhunter who only seems to be more strange awake than half dead.

“I don’t think they have warlocks in heaven, although I am rather flattered that you seem to think so,” Magnus teases, watching the cute Shadowhunter in amusement.

Of course Alec’s heaven would be a soft Magnus smiling at him, as if all the hurt between them have vanished and they’re happily in love again. If this is indeed heaven, Alec wouldn't even try to courageously live on without Magnus anymore.

“I must be dreaming then,” Alec declares, frantically running his stele over his Iratze rune again and again, the mark sparkling with magic repeatedly as he tries to activate it with shaky fingers. Anything to pull him out of this illusion that is way too good to be reality. That is a nightmare in disguise. This cannot be real, the more Alec meets Magnus' eyes the more it only hurts, reminding what isn’t Alec’s anymore. There is no way that Magnus could be fine and happy upon seeing Alec - this must be a dream. It’s a great one, but Alec is ready to wake up from it now, he can’t bear it anymore. It’s all too cruel.

“Are you still feeling delirious? Hold on, maybe I should make a second dose,” Magnus murmurs to himself as he watches the Shadowhunter thrash about and panic, infuriatingly abusing the same rune until it’s glowing. Magnus ends up soothing the Shadowhunter with a gentle hand on Alec’s shaking one, stopping him from waving his stele, cautiously to show that Magnus doesn’t have any ulterior motive behind the action. The Shadowhunter lets his hand fall in defeat, although still muttering to himself and scrunching his eyes shut and refusing to look at Magnus.

“Hey, hey. I won’t dare to hurt the head of the Institute, don’t worry,” Magnus reassured softly, as he carefully tugs the stele he confiscated into the Shadowhunter’s pocket. The man jumps again at Magnus' words, turning to look at Magnus with wide eyes. 

Magnus is acting like he doesn't know Alec at all - Alec is hurt by how Magnus is set on ignoring his presence, but is then more alarmed by the fact that it doesn't sound like an act. Magnus is behaving as if Alec is actually a stranger, instead of two people who used to know everything about each other. Like Alec's only love has never happened, or never mattered.

The wide eye stare is making Magnus flustered. The Shadowhunter is rather quite pretty - his eyes are a mesmerising hazel and he has cute expressive eyebrows. Magnus notices a break in one of his eyebrows, and then registers that he probably is staring impolitely. Definitely not how he should treat the head of the Institute. Magnus steps away awkwardly, busying himself with a second dose of the potion that will hopefully knock the weird funk out of the delirious Shadowhunter.

“I’m Magnus Bane, by the way,” he says distractedly, avoiding eye contact when it’s now the Shadowhunter’s turn to stare. He stirs into his beaker intently, trying to play it cool.

“Oh wait, you already know that,” Magnus lets out an uncomfortable laugh, remembering how the Shadowhunter called him by name earlier. Magnus hates memory loss. This is incredibly awkward, having to explain himself and not be too embarrassed by it. Magnus makes a mental note to try and find a diary that pre-memory loss Magnus hopefully would have left him.

“I’m sorry if we’re previously acquainted - I just walked out of a memory removal procedure myself, actually, so excuse me if I’m slightly muddled. Remind me of your name again, Head of New York Institute?” Magnus doesn’t know why is he trying to be flirty. To cover up his embarrassment, but also because old habits die hard and he can never deny himself of a handsome man.

Alec is burned at the words, unconsciously scooting away from Magnus, who is happily humming in oblivion. Magnus genuinely doesn’t remember him, doesn’t know him at all. It is truly over.

Magnus is Alec’s first, last, and only love. And now Magnus doesn’t even know him, looking right through at him as if he is a total stranger. 

Tears slowly bubble to the surface as Alec takes it all in, feeling strangled by the sight of the love of his life, who he has forever lost. Alec rationally supposes it is for the better - at least there is bitter comfort in knowing that Magnus can now live happily without him, and swiftly move on and find love in someone else. And in a way, maybe it will eventually be easier for Alec to cope too, Magnus’ blank face staring him a harsh reminder that Magnus’ isn’t his anymore, and doesn’t love him anymore. Alec swallows that hard thought with a big gulp, clutching at his knees and willing his muscles to heal quickly enough for him to flee eventually. The sight of Magnus is too much. Alec wants to stare at his beautiful form forever. Alec doesn't want to see him anymore.

“You’re a Lightwood, right? You must be Maryse and Robert’s firstborn then, hmm,” Magnus blabbers on when he gets no response from the Shadowhunter, who nods quietly whilst still set on avoiding Magnus’ eyes.

Alec doesn’t want to act too suspiciously for Magnus to catch on, but doesn’t give him much more to go on, either. He can’t look at Magnus in the eyes - it has always been Alec’s greatest weakness. He knows that he will crumble instantly if he looks into the eyes of the man he loves again - no matter how much Alec misses them, cat eyes or not, he just can't allow himself even this smallest indulge. He couldn’t even look Magnus in the eye when they parted, knowing that he couldn’t break up with Magnus otherwise - Alec stared into Magnus’ eyes for the last time before knowing he wouldn’t get another opportunity again. Alec thinks about Magnus eventually finding someone new, and letting himself be vulnerable enough with someone else to let his cat eyes slip. Alec wants to throw up at the thought.

“I must say though, I am rather impressed. I didn’t know that the current head of the Institute is so young,” Magnus pushes on, feeling brave after receiving no negative reaction, “and handsome.”

Alec chokes out a sob at Magnus’ seemingly genuine words, such innocent and meaningless flirting, much to Magnus’ shock. Alec can only dream that they can return to that simplicity again. Alec loves Magnus more than anyone else in the world, and would be lying if he didn't want Magnus back every waking hour since the break up, even though he knew he can’t. All Alec wanted is for Magnus to be happy, and Magnus is happy now, without Alec in his life. Hearing those words are like a stab to his stomach - Alec cannot bear Magnus not being angry at him and not hating him and instead, acting like he still simply liked and wanted Alec. Almost like Magnus is still within his reach - although Alec knows fully well that Magnus will be miserable again if he dares to be selfish. Alec scrambles to leave - this is too much.

“I… I uh. The Institute needs me,” Alec just about manages, in between tear filled hiccups, before rushing to the door, leaving Magnus baffled. Magnus immediately notices that the Shadowhunter has left his bow and quiver on the table, and doesn’t think before he portals to the entrance of the building, just to catch the Shadowhunter in time.

“Mr. Lightwood!” Alec winces at the formality, but stop in his tracks anyways, being blocked by Magnus standing before him.

“I believe these are yours; you wouldn’t want to be left weaponless after tonight. Actually, do you want me to create a portal to the Institute? Free of charge,” Magnus offers eagerly, after the Shadowhunter’s hasty exit, and out of genuine concern. The strange Shadowhunter is rather different from the rest - Magnus couldn't help but be nice to him, or hope that there would be second encounter. He hands the weapons over, but not before stroking it with magic. 

"Protection charm," Magnus explains, as casually as he could. "Think of me when you shoot your arrows," he adds, boldly, because Magnus cannot be stopped.

Alec grabs his bow and quiver from Magnus, still warm and tingly to touch from Magnus' familiar magic. He barely tunes out Magnus' blatant flirting, before his face could twist and break like his heart is. Alec blinks at them and is momentarily whisked to another universe from a lifetime ago, when they had just first met and everything was new and exciting despite the unknown. Magnus returns his bow, even though Alec begrudgingly traded them for a favour. Alec remembers that technically his bow and quiver belong to Magnus - he lets himself hold on to this little shard that he gets to keep. Magnus is always so selflessly good - Alec breathes shakily as he blinks his way back to the present, in which Magnus is standing before him with a confused, friendly smile. Alec is forever in love with him, but also, in the moment, suddenly reminded of why he had fallen in love with Magnus. He'll fall in love with him, again and again.

“No, it’s alright. Thank you, Magnus -” Alec looks up to lock eyes with Magnus one last time, memorising the shape of them and the intensity of Magnus’ gaze and the magic that sparkles behind the glamour. “ - for everything.”

Alec activates a rune, throwing his quiver on his back, and leaps into the night.

Magnus stares as the Shadowhunter disappears into thin air, quite literally. It’s breathtakingly graceful, despite the injuries and all. Magnus wonders how have they been acquainted before, and eventually returns to his apartment as he scoffs to himself. His head still hurts with a dull thrum. Magnus supposes he deserved it for raking at the blank space in his brain so hard, scrambling to find a Lightwood boy with soft dark curls and pretty eyes and a sharp jaw. He comes up with nothing.

Alec leaps rooftop by rooftop, missing the Institute by blocks and running aimlessly with blurred vision, until the powers of the rune run out. And then, he keeps running.

**Author's Note:**

> my first malec hope it's good! i am so utterly heartbroken and have just abandoned my degree, my dinner, my mental wellbeing to bang this out. SO MALEC BETTER BE HAPPY I DESERVE IT


End file.
